Last night, I went to connect group, and we had a time where we split into groups of girls and guys and affirmed one another. Affirmation is incredible, and it’s so necessary in the Kingdom. It reflects God’s heart, and it goes deep.
As my turn rolled around, the girls affirmed me, and while they said a few different things, the main thing that was registering in my brain was that I am good at organizing things. This wasn’t a new thing for me to hear. In fact it’s that thing that you are pretty much so “over” hearing that you just muster up a smile and move on. All that to say, this is my own issue – they were so lovely and gracious, and I know they meant everything they said with such pure and genuine hearts. I am grateful for affirmation, but in that moment, in my response, God started stirring something in me.
Since I was little, I have always been an “organizer”. I would rearrange our playroom and put things in order. I would “play school” and line up all the desks with my stuffed animals in them. I even remember moving a group of desks in my second grade classroom when my teacher wasn’t looking. This isn’t a big shock that this gifting, while a bit more “adult” now haha is still displaying itself in my life.
The difference is that God hasn’t ever spoken to me about a life call, gifting or passion in administration. To me, it’s as second nature as having brown hair and being 5’5 tall. It’s not some revelation I received, some prophecy that was spoken over me, something I am particularly passionate about. So after years of hearing this, you can imagine that it can be a bit of challenge, particularly if you aren’t hearing any comments in the things God has spoken about.
Now don’t get me wrong – I know I am doing what God wants me to do. Past that, though, the main areas that He has spoken to me about in my life are teaching and discipleship. Teaching is something I’ve done a lot of back in the day. From about age 16-23, it was a given. I was always teaching – whether it was cell group, youth group, college classes, dorm meetings, women’s ministry meetings or retreats. It was happening a lot. I loved it. I thrived off of it.
Since YWAM, I haven’t done nearly as much. While I have had some opportunities, it feels like the gift has become almost dormant, with the random opportunity here and there. It’s no where near as much as it used to be, though, and as I have gotten more and more into what I am currently doing, I have found myself losing hope for this gift, passion and dream of teaching more.
As I was venting my frustrations in the car to Robbie last night, which inevitably ended in tears, I started receiving some revelation. I wasn’t asking for it necessarily, but it was coming. I am so thankful that God is willing to give us beautiful revelations even when we don’t ask for them. He knows exactly what we need!
One of the revelations I received in that next hour was a picture. It was a picture of a kid on a boogie board on the beach at the edge where the water meets at the end of waves. She was in boogie boarding position, paddling away, trying to get somewhere, but all the turned up was sand. No movement. No speed. No depth. Why? Because she had finished that wave. She needed to paddle back out and catch a new one.
I am that kid, God showed me. I am that kid trying to keep riding a wave that’s passed. What is that wave? My past experience and season of teaching. It’s finished. It’s over. It was great, and I learned from it. I wouldn’t take it back. I am not getting anywhere now, though, because the wave has finished at the sand, and now it’s time for me to pick up my board and paddle back out. In that, God gave me such a hope and reassurance that I am actually paddling back out to not just a new wave but to a bigger wave. A wave that will take me further and for a longer time. I can’t ride it unless I paddle back out, though, and sometimes that paddling is the part that takes the most time and effort.
I am in that season of paddling – preparation, learning, receiving, input, planning. God has given me steps already, and even in this experience, I am incredibly thankful for His pursuit of His children. He keeps pursuing us to give us revelation because He wants us to be fruitful. I feel so hopeful. I am getting back out there for this next wave!